<i gave you my heart but you broke it */> window.defaultStatus=" i give you my heart";
Sunday, March 09, 2008


Fluffy passed away today.

I never thought death would every come so close to someone i love; I was too complacent. All through the week, he had had fits, struggling to breathe and to get his heart pumping again. Every time I saw that little heart pumping so fast, the ribcage pressing hard against that thin layer of fur, I could not bear to look anymore. I was right there, yet I could do nothing but soothe him with my useless hands.

The pain that I felt when I saw him lying there, lifeless, upon coming home from church, I will never forget. It slowly eats you up, bit by bit, till you feel this hollow pain echoing within you. I had never felt such pain before, sadness in my life came and went, optimism seemed to bring me through dark periods of my life, but not this time. This time it was no longer just sadness, it was sheer pain and agony searing through me.

He was the best companion I could ever have, a brother, a listener, a friend, but most importantly, family. Yet when I came home from osl camp, all i knew was sleep. Not patting him on his back, or rubbing his ears and stomach, the places he liked best to be rubbed. Not telling him 'good boy', a phrase that would send his tail wagging. Not turning him upside down and playing dead with him. Not comforting him, alleviating his pain. Not all these- all these I didn't do.

Sending him to the crematorium was the hardest thing I have done in my life. Crying helps, but only for a little while. After reality sinks in, amidst all the hazy tears, the harsh truth stares you in the eye.

I wasn't beside him when he went; that is one thing that I will regret for the rest of my life. I never got the chance to say goodbye, I never got the chance to see his tail wag for me one last time. So many things.

I cannot bring myself to go on; I'm drained- emotionally, physically, everything. I fear this loneliness that creeps up around me now; there are blank spots all around the house, places meant for him, places that can hold no other things but him.

The fragility of life haunts me- i've grown so much in these few hours, I don't recognise myself anymore. If there is one thing I've learnt from you, it is to cherish all those around me- my family, my friends, my everything. Like you did. Like you who waited faithfully behind the door every day without fail, using your eyes to bring smiles to our faces. Like you who, despite all the pain, held on till I came back from camp. Like you who, between all my late nights, sat quietly by the side as the silent encourager you are.

This is a tribute for you, if not for you, I would have never managed to type all these without breaking down.

Fluffy, I love you. Have I ever said that you are the best companion I could ever ask for? I know I was the worst sister that ever existed; I'm sorry. Wherever you are now, please know that no one and nothing will ever replace what you are in my heart. The spots beside the sofa, under the dining table, beside the fan, and right here, right here in my heart- they're still yours, and will always be, forever and ever.

Good boy, Fluffy, good boy.

gave my heart */ on 11:01:00 PM